Yesterday I went to a holiday party. There were children. There was a fisher-price style remote-control helicopter. The combination was almost as much fun as cats and laser pointers.
There was much food, all of it tasty. I attempted to help the host make the chocolate fondue. It did not go well. Picture the scenario: the host and I, neither of us having done this before, but both of us generally knowing what was required: heat chocolate, put in fondue pot. How hard could it be?
Well, it started fine, the chocolate was nice and melty, when the host (who was stirring at that point), said it was sticking to the bottom. So we took it off the burner and poured in a bit of water to thin it. Somehow this resulted in the crystallization of all the sugars in the chocolate and we wound up with a mass of chocolate having the consistency of crunchy fudge. It would not re-melt, no matter how long we kept it on the burner. I tried taking a little bit of it and putting it into a new pot, hoping that it would melt. It didn’t.
Finally, we took a second bar of chocolate and started over, and it worked okay. There were still crystalline bits once we put it into the fondue pot (perhaps it wasn’t hot enough?), but eventually chocolate was, and it was tasty.
But when I say I can’t cook, this is the type of stuff I’m talking about.